The Devil Eats PEZ
by Metallic Crayon
Summary: I called you Chibi-san, but that didn’t work because I’m shorter than you. Using smallness in a derogatory manner insults myself more than you.”


**The Devil Eats Pez**

**A FullMetal Alchemist Fan Fiction**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or Pez**

"Your first mission as a state alchemist is to inspect the Youswell Mine. Because you are only 10 years old, FullMetal will be accompanying you. He's been there before and with his help you will have no trouble there. I expect you to be back before the week is- why are you scrunching up your face?"

After shivering, Helene digs in her pocket for her sour pineapple Pez. She shows it to Roy Mustang. "Pez?" He asks.

"Pez." She responds.

"What is Pez?"

"A candy, as you can see."

"Also, I was curious. Your outfit…" The colonel says.

"Out…fit?" Helene replies. She looks at her shirt, her pants, and her arms. "What?"

"The wings." Roy says.

"Wings?" Helene asks. She turns her neck to look at her back. "Oh yeah, the wings."

"Why are you wearing them?"

Helene leans in and puts her to the side of her mouth. She whispers, "I'm a fairy princess."

"Here is the report to fill out at Youswell." He says, handing the new state alchemist a packet. Helene shoves the Pez back into her pant pocket and reaches out for the report.

After moments of her silently looking over it she says, "I can't read."

"Eh?" Mustang responds. "How did you pass the exam if you can't read?"

"I have split personalities. One can read, the other cannot."

"You're kidding, right?"

"How could I make fun of something so serious!?" Helene says, putting her hand to her heart.

"Are you sure you can't read?"

A few silent seconds later, Helene bursts into laughter. She begins banging on the desk screaming, "You should have seen your face. I'm 10 for crying out loud! Of course I can read!"

The Flame Alchemist is getting very annoyed by now. "I expect you to be back before the week is over."

"No worries," Helene says smiling. She turns around to leave saying, "I'll be back before you can say, 'that girl was friggin sexy and I think I want to mar-" she shuts the door behind her.

"…Scary." Roy Mustang says, locking the door to prevent Helene from coming back in.

FULLMETALALCHEMIST

"What's taking that girl so long? I can't believe I'm stuck babysitting." Edward says, waiting at the train station with Alphonse.

"She passed the exam at an earlier age than you! She must be a genius!" Alphonse says.

"Or someone in the military is pulling strings for her." Says the Edward.

"I wonder if the people in Youswell remember you?" Alphonse tries to change the subject.

"Of course they do, Al. I saved their whole town." Ed replies.

Just then, a little girl with pink hair flapping her arms like a bird whistles past them. She then walks backward shouting, "retreat, retreat," until she is in front of them again. She puts her right hand to her chin. Apparently, Helene is studying them carefully.

With the other hand, she points at Alphonse. Her finger slowly drifts to Edward. Then back to Alphonse. "FullMetal," she says, nodding.

Edward trips. "Ah, no. Funny, this happens a lot. But your thinking of my brother." Alphonse says.

Helene frowns. "Oh, I see." She turns to Edward. "My apologies, Chibi-san." Immediately, Edward jumps back up.

"Who are you calling- Hey! You're shorter than I am!" Edward says. It was true.

Helene shakes her head. "Ah, that's too bad," she says, walking away.

"What do you mean, that's too bad!? And where are you going?" Ed calls out, stomping after her. Al sighs, and follows them.

"That's too bad, as in 'I heard FullMetal travels with his younger brother who is taller than him and is often mistaken for him. So I called your brother FullMetal. I also heard he's a tiny punk who hates it when you mentions how teeny he is. Therefore, I called you Chibi-san. BUT that didn't work because I'm shorter than you. Using smallness in a derogatory manner insults myself more than you."

"Get over here Shorty!" Ed screams out, chasing Helene.

"Aaah! What did I just say!?" Helene called out. "Save me, FullMetal's younger but seemingly older brother!"

"Brother, she already took back her insult!" Al says, chasing him.

Then, a very bad thing happens. Helene trips. Then Edward trips on Helene. Lastly, the very heavy Alphonse trips on both of them. The little 10 year old has been squished.

"Get off of me! My leg is broken! My lungs are tearing!"

In a fumbleh way, Alphonse and Edward manage to get off of her. "I thought I was going to die! Waa!" Helene cries.

She grabs onto Alphonse's arm to help lift herself up. "We've got to get to the Train Station!" She screams. "You idiots are going to make me late to my first mission!"

"We were already there before you randomly ran off!" Ed shouts.

"I wouldn't have gone so far if you weren't chasing me!" Helene counters, walking in the direction of the train station.

FULLMETALALCHEMIST

"Thanks to my amazing leading skills, we have arrived with moments to spare!" Helene announces.

"More like seconds." Ed says, exhausted.

"Let's hurry up and board the train," Says she. She runs onto the train, and the Elric brothers have no choice but to follow.

"Oh my God!" Helene cries, once the three have settled down in the train. "Oh my God!"

"What's wrong?" Asks Alphonse.

"There's no more Pez!" Helene says with her hand squirming around in her pocket.

"Pez?" Ed says, turning his attention to Helene rather than the window.

"It's candy," Helene tells him.

"Ah, candy," says Ed.

"Candy that is the only thing that will keep my heart beating on the long, boring train ride." She stands up. "I have to go buy some!"

"WHAT? The train will leave without you!" Ed says.

"The next train for Youswell isn't until tomorrow!" Al says.

"But, Pez!" Helene irrationally cries out. She runs off the train.

FULLMETALALCHEMIST

20 minutes after the train has left- with poor Edward and Alphonse on it- Helene returns back to the train station with a pocket of Pez. "Oh well. FullMetal will be back shortly."

She sits on the ground and starts to eat a new package of - you guessed it - Pez.

FULL METALALCHEMIST

4 hours later, a very tired Roy Mustang has just finished a chunk of work he had been putting off until 10 minutes ago. On his way home, he walks past the train station. He spots a mini girl with pink hair and wings. "You're still here?" He screams.

"Ah, FullMetal never came. I've been waiting here all day."

"That idiot," The Flame Alchemist sighs. "I wouldn't expect him to come now, the train has already left. I'll find out where he is in the morning."

"Kay, I'll go home then," Helene says in a disappointed manner. Helene stuffs the Pez in her pocket and stands up. "Away I g-"

"Wait, where's the report?" Mustang asks.

"Crap," Helene mumbles. _I left it on the train with FullMetal and his armored brother. _"It's right here," she says, holding her hand out at him as if it were holding something.

"Huh?"

"Here it is. Don't just look at me with a dumb expression."

"I'm going home." Mustang says. "I can't deal with you when I'm this exhausted." Mustang mutters, walking away.

Helene pulls her pocket watch out of her sock and looks at the time. "It's late," she says. "I've got to get home. I'll need a train- oh. None are operating at this hour…I'll walk then."

Helene begins to walk home, but faints of exhaustion 10 minutes later.

FULLMETALALCHEMIST

**I haven't written a FullMetal Alchemist fan fiction in a LONG time. But I just re-watched the show, and it bumped back up to my #1 favorite show. Please review, especially if you didn't like it and don't plan on reading the next chapter.**


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